I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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