There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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