My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
