omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
