I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
