i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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