We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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