Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
