why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
