I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
