my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
