Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
