hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
