I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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