what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
