Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
