so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
