I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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