He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
