I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
