STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
