Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
