Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize