how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
