Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
