we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
