WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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