How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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