My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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