Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
