I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I smell stomach acid.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
