wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
