You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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