The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
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