I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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