No stitches, just platelets and will power
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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