Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
