so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
