ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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