pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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