Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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