we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
