i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
high people should be assigned attendants
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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