he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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