So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
