I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
