Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
