maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
