I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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