i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I intend to get homeless drunk
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
