I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
God I need to hump something, right now.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
