im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize