It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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