What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
