I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
