Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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