so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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