This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
