my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
