This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
