It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
