I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
